In Quest Of My Glaring Star - Short Story
My mobile flashed with a new message.
Jack: I have been thinking about this for a while. I believe our friendship has to be taken to next level. I want to spend each day, each minute and every second with you. Well, should I spill the beans, baby??
I knew where he was leading. And I did know how it would end.
Me: Go on.
I simply sent a plain text.
Jack: I think I am in love with you and I know you also have the same feelings for me. Still, I wanna ask.
I didn’t know how to respond for this text. It was intimidating me and I waited for his next message.
Jack: Do you love me, sweetie pie?
And his sweetness would end there. Because I was going to say it. It – the truth. Yeah it was time for the truth. I started typing.
Me: Jack, oh dear, am so impressed. I too wanna spend rest of my life with you. But before pouring out my heart, I need you to know something.
I paused. This one text would definitely hurt him. But it did hurt me a million times more for me, just to type it. Still, it should be done. I made up my mind and continued typing.
Me: I should’ve told you before as I know this would come. Okay listen, am wheel-chaired. It happened when I was 17, in an accident and my anklet bone dislocated. I don’t know, the doc couldn’t fix it and left me to handle like this for the rest of my life. I can’t walk or run or do anything like others.
I closed my eyes for a minute, thinking of losing yet another person in my life. Fear of the heartbreak and of loneliness threatened me. I sighed and did hit the send button. I lay back in the couch. He would take time. With each passing time, my heart raced fast. My one percent of happiness got covered and cried behind my fear and disability. He took one long minute to read my text and I received a one-word reply.
I smiled plainly.
Me: You heard me right.
Jack: Are you serious? I mean, look what have you done. You are selfish. You have cheated me, Amy. Shit! You should have said me earlier. This is why you always ignored the texts when I have asked you for pictures?? Oh man!! The reason why you didn’t wanna meet me! You suck…
‘Jack, no. I seriously like you and that is why I fear losing you’ I thought but he was not in a mood to listen. I decided not to antagonize him.
Me: Jack, do you still love me the same way you did before??
That was obtuse, to ask a question for which you know the obvious answer. I was nervous to hear that from him. ‘What would he say? A no?? yeah, he is going to say that anyway, but how??’ I fiddled my thumb and waited for his reply, impatiently.
His reply came instantly, with all his sweetness dissipated.
Jack: Sorry Miss, I don’t think I can fuck some wheel-chaired girl.
I blanched. That did hit me hard than he might have expected.
Me: Then go fuck yourself, Mister.
I sent without giving a second thought and blocked him everywhere, and so did he. I tried to quell my nerves. I tossed my mobile besides, which welcomed my mom’s attention.
“What’s wrong Amy? Is it Jack?” She was concerned.
“Mm yeah Mom! Just the same, with everyone.” I shrugged as she stroked my back.
“It’s okay honey. He is not the right one for my princess!” she groaned, probably the same thing for the thirteenth time, I believed. But we both were aware that it was just me, who was not the right person for anyone.
“Yeah” I had that fake smile on and continued. “It’s again time, for just the both of us” I grinned as she hugged me.
Deep inside, my heart was awash with unsaid trouble. The pain fuelled and my eyes would expose it anytime.
“Mom, am tired” I lied.
“Can you please move me to bed?” it was hard to hide the pain.
“Sure baby” she helped me to stand up and carefully ushered me in the chair. She then whisked me on bed.
“Good night, dear” she kissed my forehead.
She then walked towards the player after picking a CD from my shelf. Soon, the soothing music of my favorite album filled the room as she turned the volume up. She did know my needs, very well.
“Love you, Mom” I whispered
“Sleep tight, Amy” she closed the door of the room behind her and that one second was enough for my hidden emotions to burst out. The overwhelming sadness emanated from every pore.
I cried out my heart, wishing I might feel lighter if my tears drained. Alas!! With each drop of tear, my loneliness increased tremendously. My thoughts plagued me. I stared pensively out the window.
It was not new; I already did know what was going to come and this would happen. It was not new to have a heartache; it was not new to cry all through the cold nights; it was not new to fear about the loneliness. I was shrouded in the darkness which would engulf me. ‘But why couldn’t I change it anytime? Will this pain be for ever?’ I was depressed again. Something was missing and I felt completely alone.
I cursed my life for not being fair with me. The game of my life was so difficult that each step I took brought nothing but failure and pain. I drank in the lyrics. With each chord of the music, I was more broken and shattered. The music got low and I tried to hide my cry with pillow. I couldn’t stem my tears. The silence welcomed the darkness and with my sobs, I went into a fitful, exhausted sleep and another night came to an end.
It was four years ago when I met with that accident. I was still not over the smell of blood and hospitals; both made me sick at the very thought of it. A year after the incident, my dad left us promising that he would return with money to bring me back to health. Days rolled to weeks, weeks to months and with years, the last words he said started to fade away from my memories. But my mother never shed tears for him rather she started to work as an accountant. Until then, I didn’t know my mother was that strong and independent.
I had injured my left leg’s anklet and I can’t hold on to my right leg for a long time too. The knee bone of the right leg is weak and couldn’t take up my whole body’s weight for a long time of 15 minutes! A minute more, I would lose even that happiness of standing in my own leg.
I tried a lot to do my works independently, yet, I failed sometimes. When all the other girls of my age go for dates and proms, I stumbled and crumbled in bed under quilt, without knowing what to do with my night and life. My mom tried to cheer me up always and then I too thought to have someone really for me, who would bring me out of darkness. Also, I wanted not to trouble my mom anymore.
It was then I signed up in social media networks and started making friends. I was sure about two things. Not just make friends out of sympathy by revealing about my weakness. Secondly, just like every girl’s dream, I wished for a true love that would make me feel complete and fill the void in my life. Something that would never remind that I am disabled, but the love that would remain for ever.
But that sort of things never happened and with each passing person, only my hurt and pain got nurtured. Well, I couldn’t help myself in that matter. It was not just with Jack, on the contrary, with each man who left me after I reveal the secret, I cried for the fault in me. then. It was with Jack, I made up my mind that try not to make any more friends and end up heart broken.
With that, I spent my days taking online courses, watching series, chatting with mom, sitting in garden, watching each moving organism over there and more than anything, books became my true love. It became a routine. Subsequently, the pain given by memories weakened and I felt happy and content being alone. Yet my fate had its own plans.
To Be Continued...