In Quest of My Glaring Star - The Final Part

“Amy, wait! Is that you in red gown sitting near the lake?? Huh… in a… wheel-chair, possibly?”

His voice dropped and that was the last thing I wanted to hear from him and when his tone changed, all my hopes sank right then.

 

I wished he didn’t ask that question; I wished he didn’t see me; I wished I didn’t turn up; I wished I didn’t fall for him; I wish I didn’t had an accident and I wished the earth would just eat me up. But nothing happened except for Mike, who stood there and I could sense his glare upon me. I dared not to turn around and look at him. My mind went blank and body turned numb. I couldn’t even think of a response.

“I… Mike…” before I could respond, he called out my name right behind me, I was startled and the mobile slipped from my hand and hit the floor with a thud.

He was there; Mike was there; my jaw dropped at the sight of him standing few inches away from me. I could smell his perfume that engulfed me. I had no guts to meet his eyes. I couldn’t look at his face. Instead I gazed at his feature. He stood there, in his white shirt, casually hanging from his shoulder and his ripped jeans, carefully clinging to his waist.

He held a bunch of red roses in his right, but his left was closed to fist. I pitied the roses, which would be returned to the ground and crushed and then my heart, crushed in the same way. I still couldn’t look at his face. ‘No, I wouldn’t! How would I meet his eyes? No way! I could never take that hatred from his eyes.

“Amy, look…”

I could not let him complete.

“Mike, yeah, I know. You don’t have to say it. Am sorry, Mike. Am sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier. Am sorry that am a wheel-chaired girl. Am sorry that you wouldn’t fuck a wheel-chaired girl. Am sorry that I had fallen for you. Am sorry that I cheated on you. Am sorry that now I turned in front of you!” My voice trembled though how hard I tried to gather myself up.

I then allowed myself to look up at him and at that instant, I cursed myself for doing that. His hair was a mess – I could play; his eyes were deep – I could hide; his lips were parted – I could bite; but nothing would happen except that he would leave. Yet, he stood still. I looked into his eyes. I wanted to get lost into his eyes. His eyes were saying something; it wasn’t hatred but might be not love too. It was somewhere between hurt and pity! Though he stood few feet away from me, I could feel his nearness. I felt protective bit I wasn’t sure how long that would last.

I put all my strength to my hands and managed to stand, gripping the handle. Neither of us looked away.

“Am… Mike…” I felt a lump forming in my throat.

“Am sorry for everything” I wasn’t sure if he heard my last words which was merely a whisper. I desired the wind to carry my words to him. Before I could look somewhere else, my sweaty palms slipped over my chair’s handle and I almost collapsed. And everything after that happened in a minute.

I saw Mike panic and run to me. He grabbed me by my waist before I completely fell over. His warmth engulfed me; I loved him more than I should and hated myself more than I could. The sight of roses already crumbled in the floor, pained me. I closed my eyes but failed to arrest the tears from streaming.

“Amy! You Okay?” He sounded sorry. I looked up into his eyes and they pitied me! it would not have hurt me, if he had just walked away; it would not even have pained me, if he had just blamed and cursed at me in front of hundreds. But that pained. He pitied me and that pained more than anything. It was the least I wanted to gain from him. My lips trembled. I knew I was going to cry straightaway.

“Am… Am fine…” I tried to get away from his clutch. He didn’t protest, but when he left, I badly wished him to hold me forever.

He made me to sit on the chair, carefully. With more care and tender, which would even beat my mother’s. But even before my mind could send the happy thought to my lips, even before my lips could curve a smile, he turned away from me.

‘Mike, you can’t do this to me’ I wanted to scream. Yet, the naked truth stopped me from doing so. Still, I called him out.

“Mike?” he paused but didn’t turn.

‘He doesn’t even want to look at you anymore, Amy’ I desperately wanted to yank my heart for holding that much pain and love at the same time. But all I wanted at that moment was to hear that one answer; a known answer; because I believed it would help me stop loving him and start hating him.

  

“You said, I would never regret meeting you, Mike” though how much hard I tried to sound unwounded, those words came through my sobs.

He still didn’t turn to me, instead he took another step, away from me. That said everything. It was increasingly painful. But I wanted more pain to hate him.

‘Mike, I want to hate you. I want anger. Help me, Mike… please…’ I sobbed

“Do you still love me the same way you did before, Mike?” I raised my voice so that he would stop and turn and I could steal one last glance and could hear ‘No’ so that I would hate him forever.

He took another long minute before he turned. I shut my eyes. No way I was going to look into his eyes. I shut my eyes and I heard him sigh. And within seconds, his dusky voice, the voice I admired, bore those word that would kill me literally, that would kill whatever hope I had on love.

“No, Amy” his voice was plain.

I squeezed my eyes. My heart felt heavy; I needed to hold to something before I blacked out. It was a single tear drop that rolled down my cheek but even that dried before it touched my already dry lips. I felt numb. ‘Is reality this hard?’ I gasped for breath. Gathering all my guts, I opened my eyes but only to see his boots, through my blurred vision, that walked away from me. I clutched my satin gown and bit my lips. I tapped my eyes trying to push back the tears but nothing helped. I wanted to run; I wanted to run crazily; run away from everything; run until I became weak and lie down; I wanted to look into the plain sky, remember his ‘No’ and cry and cry and cry…

But then, I was there, sitting in my wheel-chair, clasping my gown and crying silently with my eyes closed. I was useless. I remained useless. I cried. But I listened his footsteps stopping and stepping towards me. Whatever he has to say, I was not ready. I can’t bear another word from him.

“Amy, Am Sorry…” his voice was pleading right in front of me. I squeezed my eyes still more.

‘Just… go… away…” I pleaded more.

“Am sorry that I couldn’t love you the same way I did before…” he sounded apologetic.

‘Please Mike. Go…’ I wanted to scream. ‘It is so humiliating. Please don’t do this to me’ my heart screamed.

“Am sorry that I couldn’t love you the same way I did before. Am sorry that I love you even more now. Am sorry that I know about you even before that. Am sorry that I am friend of Jake and am sorry that I heard him curse you. Am sorry that I felt you need someone of more worth. Am sorry that I loved you from the first day we talked. Am sorry that I love the way I have the privilege of carrying you in my arms and am sorry that that I want to protect you till my death. Finally, am sorry that my love will last forever and ever” he said it in one breathe.

I couldn’t believe my own ears and that was when I opened my eyes; he was kneeling in front of me, with the bunch of red roses smiling and his eyes tracing down my lips. A tear drop rolled down my cheek to lips, but this time Mike arrested it with his lips. That was the last thing I remembered and the memory was etched for ever. 

The End…